Shenanigans

Friday, while crossing the US/Canada border into my homeland, the border guard said, "See ya Jen".  I replied with my usual "thank you!" [insert dashing smile].  But as I was driving away I thought, "did he just call me Jen? Have I really crossed the border so many times that we are not only on a first name basis, but a nickname basis?"  A rough estimate does puts me at 260 crossings, so I guess it is possible.

I had to make two border crossings last week.  Well, I guess I didn't technically have to make two trips.  But because life as you know it stops when your iPhone stops working, I deemed the drive time and $30 in gas worth the visit to Verizon Wireless.  Let me tell you this, that trip was a waste of time and gas money.

Poor lost soul with a dead iPhone: "Hi, the email on my phone stopped working, so I tried to restore the phone to factory settings, but something is wrong with the phone hardware and I can't reload the software.  I have insurance, I would like a new phone."

Evil Verizon worker with no soul: "Riiiiiggghhhtttt...We can't be sure this is a hardware problem.  You should go to Apple."

Slightly angry poor lost soul: "Why the hell have I been paying $10 a month for insurance if it doesn't actually cover the phone when it is broken.  What a joke!"

Fat, stupid, balding man who has to tell chicks he works at Verizon: "What if you had dropped the phone and the screen had broken?  Then you would have insurance to cover that."

While storming out of the store, I came up with the brilliant idea that I would just smash my phone on a curb, shattering it to pieces and then they would have to give me a new phone.  BRILLIANT!!  What was actually brilliant, was that I called customer service before I did this.

Evil genius Jen: "Hi, I accidentally drove over my phone shattering it to pieces [do people actually do this?].  Does my insurance cover that?"

Overly sympathetic customer service representative: "I am so sorry that this has happened to you [a phone dying is apparently the equivalent to a family member dying].  It shows here that you do have insurance, but because you have the iPhone there is a $169 deductible."

Still evil, but not-so-genus Jen: "Oh....[silence and silently thanking baby Jesus that I didn't smash my phone].

Overly sympathetic customer service representative: "Once again I am so sorry this has happened to you, but I see here you are doing really well with your minutes, Er....I mean you have the 900 minute plan [I went over my minutes last month, so this consolation was not going to work, I could not stop laughing].  I can send you the paper work and we can have a new phone mailed to you in a week.

Verizon wireless hater Jen:  No thanks!  Bye!

I didn't have time to visit the Apple store that night, so I sadly went back to Canada and spend the week sans cell phone.  It actually wasn't that bad (Awk!  I can't believe I said that!)  I wasn't distracted by text messages, phone calls, Word Welder or stalking Mike's Facebook.  I did miss a couple of things though; mostly the ability to tell time and set an alarm.

Friday night Mike and I headed down to Apple with high hopes that the Genius Bar would live up to its name.

Hopeful Jen: "My phone died blah blah blah blah and I don't know how to fix it."

Apple employee: "Let me take a look at it!  I will be right back."

My new best friend: "I couldn't fix it, so here is a new phone."

Overjoyed Jen: "Wait...there is no charge?  Or delivery wait time?  Or annoying fat balding man?  Or annoying sympathetic women who can't tell how many minutes I have actually used?"

I heart Apple.

It's going terrible, thank you for asking

I can't stop laughing!  This comic is so true.  Please please please never ask me how my research is going.  Does anyone ever have a positive answer to this question???

Adventure!!

When I sit down to write a blog post, I channel inspiration through song.  I will youtube a song that I have been crushing on and play it on repeat.  Here is my newest love and the my current inspiration source.
Press play and continue reading!

I am now officially married to an old man.  If you know me, you know that this is a good thing.  I am always drooling over older men.  Salt and pepper??  Yes please!
To celebrate the big three one, I surprised Mike with Starbucks in bed, a bottle of Petron tequilla, and golf lessons.  I am such a dream wife.

Practicing his skills at the driving range

The icing on the cake was a hike to Twin Lakes.  We have been talking about this hike for months.  We really wanted to make it a hiking/camping trip, but we found ourselves without a dog/cat sitter, so we figured we would just go round trip in a day.
A little internet research led us to believe we were looking at a 16 mile hike.  This was not going to be a casual stroll, but we figured, "Hey! We are hardcore, we can handle this!"
We parked the car on the Mountain Loop Highway (about 26 miles from Granite Falls) and started the first part of our trek...a four mile (or so we thought, 5.5 in reality) walk down a washed out road to Monte Cristo (an abandoned mining town)

The bridge was washed out so we crossed via log

Old school car bridge (above); Arriving at the town! (below left)
Some of the old buildings (below right)

 We stopped for our first lunch of the day, and a ranger asked us how far we were planning on hiking. "We are going all the way to Twin Lakes today" we said.  "Oh, [long pause] that is a long hike" he said.  We both shrugged and carried on, what do rangers know anyways...

We left the town and headed towards Poodle Dog Pass.  Great views, great trail, and great times!

 
We stopped for our second lunch (the best part of hiking is all the food you get to eat).  We taped up our blistering heels and checked out the map.  At Poodle Dog pass the trail splits and you can hike half a mile to Silver Lake (picture above) or 2.7 miles to Twin Lakes.  We had made it this far!  There was no turning back!  The trail was difficult...boulders, cliffs, loud chipmunks...but the view from Twin Peaks Ridge made it all worth it.

At the ridge we checked the GPS, we had already gone 9.5 miles and it was still another 0.7 miles down to the lakes!  Um...if my math is correct we would be looking at 19 miles total if we turned back at the ridge.  We would have to dip our toes in the lake another time.  We ate our third lunch, cried over our aching feet, aching bones, aching muscles and then ate our fourth lunch.  

We hauled ass back to Poodle Dog Pass and collapsed in heap of sore feet and stink.  The flies were swarming, we were out of water and we still had 7.5 miles to go.  

We stopped at a stream, about a mile from Monte Cristo and filled up the water bottles.

  

This was one of my favorite parts of the day...just sitting by the stream, purifying water and finding comfort in the fact that were both physically miserable but still having an amazing adventure.

  

The sun was starting to set at we passed through Monte Cristo, so we strapped on our head lamps and made our way through the woods back to the car.  I was pretty sure that wolves were going to jump out and eat me.  I have watched Beauty and the Beast enough to know that they come out a night, snarling and howling.  

We made it back to the car at 8:30 pm - 11 hours, 19 miles and 3500 feet of elevation gain.  Our toes were numb, heels were skinless, hip bones were bruised, and muscles and joints were sore.  We lost the ability to climb or descend stairs gracefully and we walked like a pair of 90 year olds.  I like older men...but not that old.  

To say the least, it was an amazing adventure, I can't wait until our next one.  

10 things you probably didn't need to know, but I'm telling you anyways

10.  I haven't eaten a banana all week, so my body has started shutting down.  I went to the Chinese market to remedy the situation, and I bought a bushel (is that how you describe a group of bananas).  I have already eaten three of them...along with half a tub of peanut butter.

Side note: Every time we grocery shop at Haggen, we buy about 40 bananas, and every time the checker (the cute blonde one we always go to) says, "you guys and your bananas!"  Sometimes we will buy a bunch of another random fruit, just so we can see what she says.  Last week it was, "what?!  No bananas!"

9.  I went swimming (real lap swimming, not just dicking around in the pool swimming) two days ago, and I am still sore!

8. I am mad obsessed with Flo Rida right now.  As I am typing this I am listening to Run.  I can't stop cracking up at how dumb the video is.  Lowest budget video ever.

7.  I made a friend yesterday while I was sitting outside studying.  Her name is Ingrid and she is a little brown bird.  She was so freaking cute.  She was about 4 inches tall and she sat on the bench next to me for about 20 minutes before she moved down to the ground and sat next to my feet for another 20 minutes.  Every once in awhile she would cock her head to the side and peer into my soul. 

   

Side note: A year ago you would have never found me spending the afternoon sitting next to a bird.  I would have ran away screaming, but ever since we bought chickens I have a new-found love of birds.  I really want a pet bird...

6.  I am in love with this little boy.  I want ten just like him.

5.  I'm not drinking anymore.  I know 99.9% of the people reading this just started laughing, but I am serious.  I have been drinking for 9(+) years I still haven't learned that I shouldn't drink 5 beers and then wash them down with 2 shots of tequila.  I don't think I will ever learn.

4.  Do you need a new blog to read?  Read this one  crappypictures.com

3.  My X-men power is the ability to smell the change in season.  Fall is coming.  You have all been warned.

Side note: Mike's X-men power is the ability to injure your internal organs through hugging.  After you are wrapped in his cozy bear arms, he proceeds to push his belly out so far and so hard that it causes internal damage.  

2. Which one of these text messages is real:

"It is official...she poops giant rainbows and headbands with flowers. Barf"
"Remember when Duke was eating something in the bushes yesterday...that was where I puked"
"It's going clear!  Unz Unz Unz (butt pounding techno beat)"

Trick question, all three are real.  If we aren't texting friends yet, you are missing out.

1.  Here is a cat picture oozing with cuteness. You're welcome.

Eastbound and getting down

Our August travel plans included a teeny tiny road trip to Twisp to visit Mike's mom.  We packed the car with Monster Rehab energy drinks, sunscreen and wine and headed over the mountains.

We stopped in Winthrop and had lunch at Schoolhouse brewery.  Perfect lunch location!  We got a table under the shade of a tree next to the river, and started sampling the beer menu.  Apparently, there is three beer maximum because we were promptly brought our check after ordering the third.  Weak.  So, we snapped some photos and moved on.

Tina and Mike

We decided to "hike" to a waterfall.  After a 20 minute drive and a 3 minute walk up a paved path we arrived at our waterfall.

Mike decided to go for summit.

Work that booty

I stick to the important things...like practicing my glamor shots in front of boulders.

The weather was HOT that weekend!  To stay cool, we sat in the garden (with the sprinklers on) and sipped on margaritas.  That night we laid on the side of the road and watched the meteor shower.  So cool, the stars were so bright!  As soon as a meteor would streak across the sky we would all hoot with excitement.  Only one car drove by, and my immediate response was "they are probably going to murder us".  My next thought was, "no, they probably think we are going to murder them, because who in their right mind lays on the side of the road".
Unfortunately it was a short trip and we had to head home the next day.  We took a quick dip in the river, stopped for lunch at Sun Mountain Lodge (I so want to vacation there), and headed back to 'the coast'.

Weekend via iPhone

Seattle ferris wheel

We love tickets

Peaking Rainier

View from the top

Our fearless electric boat captain cruising Lake Union

Gasworks park from Lake Union

GIANT sunglasses and tiny sunglasses

After four bottles of wine, docking for a bathroom break was in order

Giant Zucchini!

Hot, hot and hot.  No I'm not talking about the 90 degree weather, I'm talking about my outfit.

It's not just the humans

Mike and I have a really big heart when it comes to animals, therefore we have a houseful of them.

Three Dogs: Duke, Rosie (sister's dog) and Buddy

Two cats: Skootz and Butters

Two chickens: Juice Box and Winnie

A school of fish (not pictured, due to their lack of names and inability to look cute in pictures).

Future plans include adding two goats, three more chickens and a pig to the mix.  Caring for animals is a giant pain in the ass, but try saying no to this face.

Baby Duke

I know, right?  I would have taken home the entire litter of twelve if I could.

I can say with confidence that Duke is more hardcore than the average dog.  When he was six months old he chased after me while I was riding on a bike and he bit at the spokes of the bike tire.  This "fun game" broke the roof of his mouth, resulting in a set of horizontal front teeth.  Duke stopped for a second, shook his head spraying blood everywhere, and then he ran across the yard to get his ball.  That dog loves his ball.

Buddy (the oldest member of the family) provides a special touch of awkwardness to the dog pack.  Here he is after submerging half of his body into a freshly dug up mole hill.  Buddy, like all members of our family, hates moles.

Their new best friend is Rosie.  She is not the smartest canine, but she has a big heart.  She has recently learned how to follow the big dogs when they play catch, and bark at everything that moves, including falling leaves.  I'm not looking forward to fall.     

Skootz is a hardcore hunter.  He is a fierce powerhouse that will hunt and catch anything that strikes his fancy.  The list includes, but is not limited to: birds, rabbits (full sized and baby), moles, rats, mice, shrews, snakes, moths, frogs and squirrels.  He is also hardcore lazy.  After a night of hunting and binging on rabbit, he crawled up to the top of his palace and slept for about 12 hours.  When he woke up, he was too lazy to go outside, so he just leaned over the side of the cat palace to purge.  He is also very conscious about his figure.  

When Tyra says fierce you give her fierce

Butters takes awkward to a whole new level.  That cat is just plain creepy, we are talking horror film kind of stuff.  I can't tell you how many times I have walked around the corner to find Butters just sitting in the middle of the room staring at me.

Case in point:

Mike and I walk out the backdoor and surveyed the yard, but something in the snowball tree made us stop and look closer.

What is that little orange spot in the tree you ask?  Oh yeah, that is our creepy-ass cat, awkwardly perched in the tree starring at us.

I WISH I had some awkward chicken pictures.  Like one of Juice Box pooping all over Mike when he tried to put her back in her yard (true story).  Instead I have an egg picture.  Can you tell which eggs were bought at the store, and which egg came from Juice Box?  

  

The difference isn't only in the color and size.  Juice Box and Winnie eggs also taste 1000 times better, but unfortunately those lazy bitches have only been laying about one egg per week.  Time to get more chickens!